Imposter City - Population Me

I’d wager that most creatives have struggled with imposter syndrome at some point in their journey.

For freelancers, imposter syndrome can wield considerable power, we pour so much of ourselves into our work, and then it’s under constant scrutiny from ourselves and others.

Driven by an urge to refine our craft, our inner critic can be the toughest audience. Even the most determined and accomplished among us occasionally crave reassurance, questioning if we're on the right path.

Doubts often creep in, tempting us to abandon our creative pursuits in favour of a more conventional career.  It can be a dark road in your mind that the further you go down, the more convincing the signs urging you to give up become. 

So how do we get off the road?

There have been many times during my creative career where I feel stuck with my work. I've often had a perpetual sense of not quite hitting the mark,  not out of disdain, but out of a pursuit of growth and evolution. I like my work to always be evolving because I’m excited to see what I can create next. I’m not sure where this internal drive comes from but I like that it’s there. 

Last year I spent some time in NY and have been meaning to get around to drawing a busy city scene inspired by that trip, just for fun. I finally found that time, so I’ve been working on it in between projects.

I decided to take a new approach and experiment with isometric illustration, which I think is great for drawing sidewalks and grid systems. But this way of drawing is out of my comfort zone as my landscapes are normally much looser. I’m also trying to push myself with detail lately and find a balance of simplicity in my work, which I’m known for.

Right from the start, the negative self-talk was chatting away… Why am I doing this? Should I be doing this? I should stick to what I’m used to. The usual stuff!

I’m a firm believer in being out of your comfort zone to develop skills. It has to suck for a bit till it doesn’t suck as much! So layer by layer I kept going and sketched out the detailed buildings and sidewalks, providing a scene to start capturing moments of urban life.

I created a new layer and began roughly sketching out people going about their lives, adding all the details and a few other hidden elements. It took about a day and was ok with where things were going. But I had doubt, it felt like I was creating this reluctantly or with fear.

I pushed through. After sketching the people I hid the layer and refined the detailed cityscape. Now it was time to do the same with the people. 

Hold up! Where is the layer with the people? It wasn’t there!

In a moment of carelessness, I inadvertently merged the layer with the sketches of people, erasing hours of painstaking effort. 

If you’re familiar with Procreate. You will know that you have 250 undo actions. But that just wasn’t enough. Bad times. 

I was gutted. So I threw in the towel. I took this as a sign that I shouldn’t be doing this, at least I had an excuse to give up now. The imposter syndrome was right all along. 

Creativity is a choice. How you react to things is a choice. How you talk yourself inside your head is a choice. 

This little story of mine might not sound all that dramatic but our internal monologues can make us feel like it’s the end of the world sometimes. Other areas of your life can add to this stress and at times it can be really difficult to keep going. 

I’m reminded of this quote by Seth Godin: 

“Yes, you’re an imposter. But you’re an imposter acting in service of generosity, seeking to make things better. When we embrace imposter syndrome instead of working to make it disappear, we choose the productive way forward. The imposter is proof that we’re innovating, leading, and creating.”

Again, It has to suck for a bit till it doesn’t suck as much! You have to practice. The more you practice regardless of the outcome, the more your creative skills grow. 

I wasn’t going to let imposter syndrome win. So after a couple of days, I returned the illustration and kept drawing. One person at a time until before I knew it, I was having fun again. 

I know this isn’t the most amazing illustration ever, it’s probably not even my best work but it’s the start of something new and that’s all that matters. 

I realised I had a choice, so I started going down a new road. All it took was a little time away from the problem and some fresh perspective. 

Imposter syndrome is normal and it happens because we give a shit! Embracing it and realising that it is a choice to feel that way, can be a really powerful tool. 

So if you’re ever grappling with imposter syndrome, remember that growth is not linear and progress unfolds imperceptibly. Damn the outcome, just keep practising because it will take you to new places.